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Last Five Entries
Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2004-08-03 - 6:11 p.m.
I did a positive thing today and it felt GOOD
Last night, I got something I dearly needed. A phone call. A friend that's been more like a sister to me called me. One of the first things she said was "I wanted to talk to my absolute very best friend in the whole wide world about SHOPPIONG!" She made me laugh and smile (all at the same time). I realized then that I can't be as much of a screw up and backwards as my "sister" was making me out to be. IT was a much needed wake up call.
I didn't sleep much last night, wondering how to placate my sister, trying to find a way to make things "better". I finally drifted off to sleep and woke up this morning with no real answers. I went to work this morning with my stomach in knots, waiting for the onslaught of emails that I knew would come.
I got an email from her that of course turned the blame back onto me, twisting my earlier words and using some of what I had told her against me. It was full of "you hurt me's" (from her) but no acknowledgment that she's hurt me. In short it may not have been formally designed to cause me more angst, but I think that was the intent. Her kids aren't around anymore, and her husband is working a lot, so she doesn't really have anyone to harangue; so she picked me.
I hit the "reply" button one more time to try to make amends and then I got hit with a bolt of common sense. I don't need this abuse, and I don't need HER. Yes, I wanted to have a relationship with her, but she's toxic. In the past few years that we've had contact, I can't really remember when I didn't feel like I had to do MORE and make more of an effort and when I didn't have a lump in my throat when we spoke. I've been waiting for the shoe to drop for so long that it just became a habit. All of these thoughts flooded through my head at basically the same time.
Some where along the way, I realized that the family I've created for myself is much better for me than the one I was born into.
The cycle of abuse needs to end. I'm almost 40 years old and when she looks at me with "that" look, I'm three years old trying to keep my hands away from the wooden spoon she's banging on my high chair. I want to run away, but I can't.
There was abuse in my past, with her and you can't always forget. It haunts you sometimes when you least expect it. A dropped iron; or just a random thought; it all comes back and you're back to that child again.
But now it's different.
Instead of trying to make peace again, and re-explain myself, I just hit "cancel" and sent that piece of drivel to my recycle bin and then promptly cleared out my bin.
I breatehed a sigh of relief and then sent a few emails to those I cherish. *that* felt GOOD
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