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Last Five Entries
Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2004-08-02 - 10:16 p.m.
Family Thoughts
Last Chance is over for another year and I survived. By all accounts it wasn't a stellar event, but it was well-received and I guess that's all I could hope for. It was hotter than the hinges of hell and then some and the humidity felt like it was 4000%.
We got home and found that the dogs had just as much fun in the heat and humidity as we did. Droopy doesn't describe big dog. He was very sedate, he wouldn't eat or drink and he'd just lay there. Eventually, he came back around and he's back to his usual annoying self, but it was scary for a while. I wasn't sure what was wrong, I'm glad it was "only" just the heat, but from this point on, they're both spendin their days in the house and you know... they don't seem to mind. I can't say that I blame them. Summertime is when I'm glad I work in an office.
The event was over and I was exhausted. I spent the rest of the weekend doing not much of anything.
Today, was a usually frustrating Monday with an argument with my sister thrown in for good measure. She's pissed off at me because when I found out about our inheritance I didn't call her right away. I reminded her that the last time I called her in shock and without getting my facts straight she ripped me a new ass for being so blunt. So now, she's in the process of trying to rip me a new one for waiting two days to find out the real back story and for emailing her and not calling. Basically accusing me of trying to freeze her out in what basically amounts to a "friendship" race to my brother. There is no race and I tried to explain that her and I tried to tell her how I feel about her in general. She really intimidates me and when she's like this, I'm back to being five years old and trying to find ways to make her not so mad at me (growing up.. it was in my best interest to NOT have her angry at me). I tried to explain that I was really trying to do the right thing this time and get all of my facts together before I blindsided her with the news (it was GOOD news); but all the same, I screwed up again and she was ripe with passive-aggressive behavior and I was in tears (at work) trying to do my best to make things right again.
I've always been intimidated by her and I've always felt less than perfect around her. I've tried my whole life to do the right thing and no matter how hard I try it never is. Why do I keep trying? What is it about my relationship with her that makes me keep trying. I apologized as deeply as possible, I explained myself and my reasons, but I don't know what else to do, or if I should do anything more. She was still tearing into me when I left at 5:00 and by then I was exhausted and my eyes were puffy. I was depressed and just plain beat down. She told me that she hoped I'd be happy with my "new" relationship with my brother (it just dripped with jealousy)... the last thing I said to her was that I just didn't see a way to please her. She shot back with a "you're and adult, quit making excuses and do what you want" My reply was... "you know.. living in a cave has to be easier than this." and I shut down my computer and left the office. I held it together until I got into the truck and we were about two blocks away from the office.
Thankfully, my love knows me. He knew right away there was something wrong. I only had to mention her name and he knew what was going on. He told me for probably the hundreth time now how she's a bitch and this is the type of thing she thrives on and I'm giving it to her.
The only thing I could say was, if a friend treated me like this, I'd cut them loose... but I can't.. she's my sister. She's the only family I have left.
I have to admit that while my life was a lot less chaotic during the time we weren't speaking, I felt disconnected. I had hoped that our relationship would help with that. I'm not sure this relationship with her is a positive thing or not, and I'm not really sure it matters... If I read the email she sent me correctly, we're back to being "casual friends" only.
On the one hand, that hurts, but on the other hand, that might be all I can really deal with from her. She and I have a past that she won't admit to, and I've forgiven her for, but you can forgive, but forgetting is much harder and some learned habits just don't change. I don't flinch anymore, but I'm always sure as hell ready to run when she's around.
So, right now, I'm feeling rather hollow and sad, like I'm back to mourning all over again. Like I have this cloud hanging over me.
Am I a bad person for thinking it's okay to keep my relationship with her on a "friendly" basis and not get into anything too deep with her? Is that stupid, or just plain sad?
I don't know... maybe I did do something wrong, but I can't see it. Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest for the trees, but by the same token, I wasn't the executor of my mother's estate, my brother was. Wasn't it up to HIM to contact her, not me? It's all convoluted and sad.
In some ways, it feels good to have that "stress" lessened.. in other ways, it feels like I've lost my family all over again. How many more times can I lose my family?
*sigh*
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