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Last Five Entries
Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2003-08-25 - 10:14 p.m.
It's FINALLY over
Well, this is another day, and I can tell you that I don't really feel any better. In fact, I feel just worse. This is a very long and rambling entry, please bear with me, or not, as you choose. It's up to you.
See, I got an email this morning from my sister with some bad news. That was the only way she could reach me to tell me.
Remember the Aunt I've written about a few times? Well, today was her day. The wait is finally over. She decided she'd had enough of the world and has gone home to God (at least I hope that's where she is now). I'm not sure how I feel. When my sister told me, I cried for a bit, but I'm really not sure why. With everyone around me who dies, I feel just a tiny bit more old and a little more and more alone. More and more distant.
Since then, my mind hasn't been anywhere I've wanted it to be. I've been a veritable zombie at work, home hasn't been much better. My patience is between none and zilch.
I have an uncle, but I think I've seen him about three times in my life (he's my mother's brother). But like all of the men in my mother's family, he's a bit of a drifter. He spent most of his young adult life as a musician, supported by his mother and my mother, his older sister (my mother was the middle child). He was a ne'er do well for most of his life. The last time I saw him was like 10 years ago and he was working at Electric Boat.
It's amazing though... My uncle was a drifter who many said wouldn't amount to much... my aunt had a son who amounted to even less, and I've got a brother who... well... may have turned out the best of all, even if my mother treated him like the "golden boy"... but then I digress.
As I said about a month or so ago, I dearly hope that my aunt is in Heaven surrounded by my mother and my Noni, saying hello to my father, and enjoying nonstop bingo. She was a wonderful lady, even though I hold her responsible for the disappearance of my Rosie.
See, when I was a child, I had a pink teddy bear with a white tummy and dark green pastic eyes. I named her Rosie. I slept with her every night... when we traveled, she went to restaurants with us, and she was always by myside. Sometimes, she even became my pillow. She was the sweet friend I told all of my secrets to, and she was the one who protected me from my nightmares. She was my best friend.
I was about eight years old and we went to visit my aunt. My father had been giving me a hard time about giving up Rosie, but I wouldn't. The morning we had to leave for home.. my mother let me sleep late and woke me up all in a rush to get out the door. I was in such a rush that we were an hour into the drive when I realized that my beloved Rosie was gone. I cried and cried and tore the car apart trying to find her. My father was less than enthused and very angry that I would behave so.
My mother said she called my Aunt from a payphone and she promised to look for Rosie and send her to me when she turned up. I saw her shoot my father a look, but I didn't understand it then. Needless to say, my Rosie never turned up. Ever since then, I've tried to find another pink teddy bear, but I know that even if I find one, it won't be MY Rosie.
She moved about six months later, and I had nightmares that my beloved bear was sitting in a trashcan or worse yet, in some garbage truck on its way to a landfill :( (That thought still hurts!)
I believe that she was in cahoots with my parents, but I still love her and I'll miss her. I haven't spent hardly any time with her since I became an adult, and no time at all since my mother died. So that makes the decision that much harder.
See, I hate funerals. So much so, that I don't even want to go to my own. I know the right thing would be to go to the funeral, but I also think it would be rather hypocritical of myself to go and "pretend" that I was that close to her. We also really can't afford it. We could make it happen, but it would screw with finances for a while, and add to that, that my driver's license was lost at Pennsic.
Add to that, that my concentration tonight is between slim and none. I was trying to warp my inkle loom for some purple and white card weaving and I made more of a mess out of it than I did anything good. Lucky for me, I have an understanding husband who managed to get it mostly straight and then I happened to find a set of strings without a card. It was one screwed up mess after another. I finally ended up cutting it off of my loom and I'm going to backstrap it. It's either backstrap it, or throw the whole thing in the trash and start over. I guess tonight wasn't a good night for working on a project, and it probably still isn't.
It's late, I should go to bed and hope that tomorrow brings clarity of thought. God, I hope so. It seems like I've been needing to cuddle with my husband quite a bit these days. Maybe I just need his love (which I have an unlimited supply of) and my cow-ya.
Sisi:
I wish you peace and that you're with the ones you loved and who loved you on earth. May you have whatever your version of Heaven is and know that you were loved by your children and their children and your neices and nephews, and by your friends.
1920ish - 2003.
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