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Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2003-07-04 - 12:30 a.m.
A Dream
I had a dream last night... it went something like this....
I had a new job and I had just finished my first day of work. I walked out of the office and then remembered I forgot to do something. I walked back in to find my new bos sitting at my desk talking to someone...giving them advice on classes to take. He saw me come in and stood up. He walked over to the left side of the room and I saw a HUGe indoor terrarium. He started sliding huge glass doors closed and then I noticed the computer that normally sits behind the desk is gone... I realize that he had moved it so it's locked inside the glass doors.
He tells me that he's got to hurry becuase he's running late... he's going to be late for the class he teaches on medieval weave structures. I tell him that I also weave and we chat for a few moments about it while he finishes locking up the terrarium. I walk around the terrerium while we wait... it's an old room, the floor is made of flagstones, and they're cut in odd shapes. They're used to surround some large plants. Plants as large as trees, but they're not trees. The trees and the stones have been there for many many years... so many years in fact, that the roots of the plants have tipped up some of the flagstones on their edge. I'm balancing myself as I walk along these flagstones. My new boss tells me to be careful and I look down realize why... I see stars around the flagstones. If I don't step carefully I'm liable to fall off the stones into space... that would be bad.
I carefully step past the flagstones and find myself back in the office and I'm headed out the door. I get out of the door and I'm in the parking lot looking for my car when my mother drives up. It's been a while since I've seen her, so I get in the car, and I give her a hug. I ask her why she's here and she said she just wanted to see me. We go driving along a very familiar road and I see the sign on the left side of the road (across a median) for the cemetary that my father's buried in (the sign says Blandford Cemetary, but that's not where he's buried in reality.. but in my dream that's what I recognize it as).
My mother gets a determined look on her face and starts to make a left u-turn at the next available left turn lane. I ask her where she's going and she says it's a surprise. We start to turn into the cemetary and I start screaming at her, telling her that I don't want to go to my Dad's grave and that she can't make me do anything I don't want to. I say some pretty horrible things to her about how she's feeling guilty and she wants me to make up for her not visiting my dad.
I finally quiet down and I look at her and calmly say "Mom, I don't have to go there to be close to him. I hear him. He's always with me. He's in my heart. That's where he speaks to me.
She pulls over to the side of the road and she starts to cry. I edge over towards her and I hold her as she sobs in that halting-choking type of gut wrenching cry. I whisper to her over and over that he's here with her and he will always be. I stroke her hair gently and hold her, whispering to her that when she's ready, she'll hear him too. She'll hear him in the quietness and stillness.... he'll speak to her heart.
She stops crying for a moment and lays there in my arms waiting....
She dries her tears and straightens herself back behind the wheel. She looks at me and says "I never hear him. I want to, but I can't."
I woke up with a feeling of deep sadness that's lasted most of the day today.
I'm sad because for the years after my father's death, my Mother never found peace. My mother was the type of person who could be alone in a room of people. She gave up. She had horrible dreams about him just after he died... she dreamed that after 30 years of marriage he came and told her that it was a good thing he died when he did because he was going to leave her. That was my grandmother's way of mothering... "you're no good....you're worthless, who would love YOU?"
I'm sad because on one level, my mother always feared he didn't love her, but in her heart she knew he did.. however she could never get the two to reconcile.
This dream came about for a number of reasons of my own... many out of what I have going on my life right now....
1. angst over a possible new job (the new job element in the dream).
2. Weaving
3. Walking on eggshells a LOT lately
(the careful steps on the flagstones and being afraid to fall
4. All of the stuff about my Dad is because tomorrow would have been his 76th birthday and I'm going to lay some flowers on his grave. It's been a while since I've been there and I've been thinking a lot about going for a visit. I'm going to go early in the morning, while ALan's asleep, so I can have some alone time.
I will always miss him, but I think he would be so proud of who I've become and what I'm doing. I think he would be happy in the choice of a husband and he would delight in my success. Best of all, he would be proud of me. That was the best gift he ever gave me.. when he told me that he was proud of me as an adult.
I think even as adults we're all still hoping to hear our parents are proud.
Daddy's Hands
I remember daddy's hands folded silently in prayer,
And reachin' out to hold me when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story in the callouses and lines,
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind.
I remember daddy's hands, how they held my momma tight,
And patted my back for something done right.
There are things I've forgotten that I loved about the man,
But I'll always remember the love in daddy's hands.
Daddy's hands, soft and kind when I was cryin',
Daddy's hands, hard as steel when I done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle,
But I've come to understand,
There was always love in daddy's hands.
I remember daddy's hands, workin til they bled,
Sacrificed unselfishly just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over I'd live my life again,
And never take for granted the love in daddy's hands.
Daddy's hands, soft and kind when I was cryin',
Daddy's hands, hard as steel when I done wrong.
Daddy's hands weren't always gentle but I've come to understand,
There was always love in daddy's hands.
I love you Daddy, and I miss you, still.
You are one of my heroes.
Please don't forget to answer my survey... it's research for a small business idea... all comments appreciated, no reasonable offer refused!!! It won't take five minutes, I PROMISE!
