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Last Five Entries
Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2003-01-30 - 6:24 a.m.
It's not Paranoia if they really are out to Get You
I know you all haven't heard from me in a while, and it's mostly thanks to the fact that I've been sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection. I'm just starting to feel human again thanks to lots of rest and some reasonable medication.
On another note, things are going as well as I can hope. My love has started the job search and hopefully it will bear fruit at least in a contractor variety. He is doing all he can to search, and that's all I have a right to ask. He's being supportive to me right now while I go through my issues as the wonderful and loving husband I know him to be.
How's work, now that he's not there you ask? Well, I don't feel that things are going all that well. I had a meeting with the powers that be yesterday and well, it has led to some less than spectacular feelings on my part.
Yes, I have a job, but that's about it. The feeling is that I have to "prove" myself all over again. Hrmm... how do I say this without sounding paranoid.....I'm walking a fine line at the job these days. I have an understanding that my interactions with people are being monitored as is the work I do. I'm under the impresion that I'm being very closely scrutinized unfairly so, in my opinion. I believe they want to make sure I'm not going to cause the company harm either by my unhappy vocalizations or by the work that I do.
While I *do* understand that they believe this is a necessary evil to protect their interests, I believe they are going overboard. To be completely honest, I'm not overly thrilled that my love is no longer working there, but there's no point in creating havoc. He's gone (hopefully to a better job) and my life there should go on as if nothing happened. I can separate the two "lives" I have, rather well, in fact. I have no desire to cause them untold pain, I am there to work and collect a paycheck. End of story.
It feels to me as if I'm in prison (yes, I know I've used that one before); but this time, I'm on home release. At work, it feels as if I'm being treated like a criminal on "lockdown". I won't go into real specifics, that's not the point, the stress that's there is close to unreasonable and intolerable. My interactions feel as if they're limited to being able to perform only specific tasks that they feel I could not harm the company, regardless of what I choose to do.
Right now, it feels as if I'm walking a tightrope, and let me tell you, while the Wallendas might like such a thing, I despise it.
In my college career, I learned that there are two types of stress... Eu-stress (the good kind) and distress (the not so good kind). Eustress is something good that happens, but is still stressful... such as getting ready for Pennsic.. Distress is the exact opposite (like facing a firing squad). There is stress everywhere in life, how you deal with both kinds defines a portion of who you are. Like everyone else, I can deal with eustress with the best of them. Distress, on the other hand, makes me throw up.
Life at work: Distress
Life at home: Eustress with some distress thrown in for good measure.
Killing monsters in Diable: Eustress!
Every where I look these days, and after one day of such stress, I need a break. I'm not going to University, I simply need a weekend when I'm not feeling like crap to keep my head together.
When I got home last night, after a much needed cry, I told my love what I needed from him in simple terms. He agreed that he would do his best to see that I got it. I would support his job search wholeheartedly, but I also needed his support as well. I needed to know that right now, until the stuff happening at work either blows over or I leave there, that home would be my refuge. He agreed. God, I love that man. He always finds a way to give me what I need. Everyone (including his parents and our close friends) is being SO supportive.
I can't ask for more than that.
I have a belief that my emails at work are being closely monitored, so I can't discuss anything I write here while at work. So if you email me there, and I sound "strange" take it with a huge grain of salt.
One of us has to be employed, and right now, it's me, for as long as possible.
I think what bothers me the most about this is the fact that I feel as if I'm not trusted. I know that people do all sorts of things when they're angry, sometimes to the detriment of the company they work for. That's not me. It's not my style. If I'm unhappy, I don't take it out on my co-workers and I don't take it out on the product I produce.
The tone that I perceive makes me feel as if they believe *I* committed some sort of crime and it's only a matter of time before they catch me in the act, when nothing could be farther from the truth.
I came into work and found his cube stripped of everything, loaded into a box. I don't know what I expected; well, I think I do. I guess I expected them to give him (or me) the opportunity to at least clear out his desk before they dumped him like so much excess baggage. Yeah, I know, that's not the way the world works. People are expendable.
I could understand the attitude I'm perceiving if they caught him (or I) doing something illegal or something detrimental to the company. He wasn't.
It's hard to go to a place that where someone you know once worked, but now people won't speak his name.
I have no illusions about the man who has my heart. He's not perfect, but neither am I. But by that same token, I care about him deeply and this turn of events wounds me to my deepest core.
But, I will hold up to the work ethic I have always had. I will do my job to the absolute best of my ability regardless of my personal feelings and situation, all the while praying and hoping that my pardon from the Governor comes soon.
Oh yeah, make sure you wish Gorm a happy birthday today... he's 32!
Please don't forget to answer my survey... it's research for a small business idea... all comments appreciated, no reasonable offer refused!!! It won't take five minutes, I PROMISE!
