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Last Five Entries
Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2002-05-08 - 3:11 p.m.
Mom
I was going to continue my story, but I've run out of steam. Basically, things were pretty crappy then, and just got worse on top of worse. Lots of infighting, lots of stress... a marriage, a divorce and then I met the man of my dreams, and well you get the idea... it was a bad scene that got loads and loads better.
The problem I have now, is something like that does change you; I'm unsure of myself and unsure of what I should do, how I should act, what people expect of me.
Yep, it was a long time ago, but it lasted pretty close to 7 years from when my father died, til it ended when my mother died 7 years later.
There was a LOT of ugliness and I wish I'd been able to say goodbye to both of them, but that's not how it worked out. In some ways I'm still resentful. There's a lot of things I feel cheated out of because I was born "late in life". If we have children, they're never going to know their maternal grandparents. My parents aren't going to be there to celebrate the new house, or other "firsts". They're not here for advice and for all the questions that come up. There were a lot of miscommunications with my mother than I was never able to straighten out (once she got an idea in her head, dynamite couldn't get rid of it).
A few months just before she died, I had to ask her a question about when she was pregnant with me, and she took it as an accusation of blame because we can't get pregnant now. It wasn't. I was trying to get information, and she was the one who had the information I needed.
She was defensive about a lot of things, and I never figured out why she was the way she was towards the end. In the span of about six months to a year (this was like 1997), I went from being her "favorite" to being the worst child a parent could have. She would never tell me what I'd done, and I beggedher to tell me. She went out of her way to be hurtful towards me and my love; to the point when we were about to get married (4 years ago), she told me she'd be at the wedding (it was a JOP wedding)if she wasn't busy with a doctor's appointment that day. My love turned to her when she said it about a week before the wedding and told her that if she wasn't there, she shouldn't be surprised if I never spoke to her again. She signed Christmas cards to us with Mrs. and her last name... like I was a total stranger. She would come down and visit my brother and call me on Monday to tell me she was in town, and drove by my apartment but didn't want to stop. When I asked her why, she would only say "Because I didn't want to!"
She didn't have alzheimer's or anything, I just don't know. It's made me incredibly gun shy with people in general. You just never expect your MOTHER to be like that.
The one thing I really want, if I could have one wish, would be to talk to my mother and father one last time, and hear them tell me they love me and are proud of me. That neither of them are still angry with me, and they're happy for me with what I have done with my life thus far.
yeah, that's a dream, but it's MY dream.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life, and the outcome of all that upheaval got me where I am. However, I wish some things had been different. I found my independence, and I grew up. I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned I can stand on my own feet and do better than survive. I learned to love and live for today, because tomorrow may never come. It's okay that everything in the house isn't perfect. No one's ever going to say she should have spent more time dusting and less time cuddling.
Please don't forget to answer my survey... it's research for a small business idea... all comments appreciated, no reasonable offer refused!!! It won't take five minutes, I PROMISE!
