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Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2002-05-01 - 9:01 a.m.
Random Thoughts
Anne is right, we are our experiences. They do define us. Happy or sad, they make us what we are.
Talking about death is depressing, but for some, it's a turning point; it certainly was for me; (when my father died).I went from being the youngest child, to an adult almost overnight..
I'm not going to bore you all with the details. He died quickly, but it pretty much tore my world asunder. Things changed, and not in a positive way.
I've been missing them a lot lately. I think it has to do with the house, and the fact that Mother's Day is plastered everywhere. Shortly after that, is Father's Day, then 4th of July (his birthday). Those aren't the big name holidays, but they are the ones that seem to push forward the "you're an orphan" thoughts. Those days, and the day we come home from Pennsic. My love usually calls his parents, to tell them we made it home safely, and then it occurrs to me, that I don't realyl have anyone to make the safe arrival call to anymore. That's when I feel really abandoned and I gotta tell you, doesn't sit well.
I find it pretty amazing that Anne posted about her father's death, and the death of my parents has been on my mind for the past few days (even before she posted hers). I tend to think about them when I'm about to hit a milestone or two. The next one that's coming is the purchase of our first house. I get a bit nostalgic and I can't help but wonder what they'd think about all of this. I wish my Dad were here, he would have had the answers to the questions we were having, and of course, my Mother would naysay the whole process.
This week, I've felt old... ancient even. When most people my age are talking about losing grandfathers and grandmothers, I'm thinking about losing PARENTS. I never knew either of my grandfathers; both died when I was three (within 6 months of each other). My grandmothers died in 1984, and in 1990 (or thereabouts). I never knew them very well.
This week has just shown me how out of sync I seem to be with the rest of my world, and there's very little I can do about it, other than just deal with it.
The office I work in has mostly 22-24 year olds, just out of college and starting out. They're talking with each other about first apartments, boyfriends, babies (not husbands, just boyfriends and babies). I had someone ask me yesterday what I was like when I was pregnant. I had to tell them I've never been pregnant. That seemed to be a real shocker for them, so they just kinda drifted away, leaving me with a really icky feeling.
I think they don't know what to do with me, so most of the time, it's pretty quiet around my cube, which is okay, although it's sometimes a bit lonely.
My parents have been on my mind so much this week that I've tried to write about my father's death three times so far this week, but I can't find the words, and when I do, I wonder if it's appropriate, if it's something I want to share from the more private world of Gina. It took me almost 7 years to find peace with my father's death, my mothers took considerably less, although I would love to be able to call her, even if it would only be to hear her pessimism about whatever it is that's going on my world. Today, I'd even love to hear that from her. She is part of who I am and why, and while towards the end, there wasn't much left of our relationship (her choice); I still loved her.
I can write about all sorts of things here, but for some reason, the topic of my parents is one that is still very raw for me and evokes some very strong feelings and I'm not sure should be let loose just yet. Like I told someone else in an email... part of me is afraid to tell you all the sordid story for fear you'll think I'm some sort of dysfunctional fruitbat or something. Whenever I try to write about it, I end up sounding like a real goob, angry and still hurting and childish.
Please don't forget to answer my survey... it's research for a small business idea... all comments appreciated, no reasonable offer refused!!! It won't take five minutes, I PROMISE!
