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Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2002-04-13 - 10:38 a.m.
Black and white
As many of you know from reading my diary, I was raised strict Southern Baptist by a 20 year Military man and country farmer. For him, there were NO shades of gray. It was black and white, yes or no. No maybe's. He didn't believe in them. My mother took her cue from him. She was an extension of his ideas, dreams and beliefs. Whatever he wanted, she did, whatever he said she took as Gospel. She never made a move without asking him first. She resented the hell out of it, but she never could break the mold. That's the way she was raised, the man of the house, her husband, was ALWAYS right and never questioned. Period. In the 27 years they were together while I was alive, I never heard them argue. He made the decision, always yes/no, and she gritted her teeth and supported it.
Why am I writing about this now that they're both dead and buried? I feel the need to explain where my black and white views comes from. I have some very specific views and beliefs on certain things, they are absolute, there is no middle of the road.
I am against abortion unless cases of rape, incest or the life of the mother is threatened. There is no gray there, it's yes or no.
I believe you can't say "I love you" unless you mean it. There is no "I sorta love you" or "I love you except..." Either you DO or you DON'T. There's no middle of the road.
I am the same way with religion. Either *I* believe all of it, or I don't ascribe to that religion. That's why I left the Southern Baptist Convention/Religion. I couldn't stomach what they were about. Again, that's black and white.
I've actually come a long way in learning how to accept gray; but I'm not perfect, and I don't claim to be. There are others out there who live life in the gray areas, and that's okay too. I love them and appreciate the differences, and I'm very close to one. I don't judge them and it's not important that they measure up to my views of yes and no, it's important that they live their life how it pleases them. I accept that not everyone believes what I do and does what I do the way I do it. I only ask the same in return.
I've been told lately that this black and white view of the world I have is mostly negative. In my past, if a happens, then b has followed and c was close behind, and it usually ended rather darkly. Yep, it doesn't always happen like that, but more often than not it does. I'd rather accept what happens than be surprised by it. I can deal with eventuality, it's lots harder to accept and deal with surprises, even good ones sometimes. That's why we have eu-stress and dis-stress... one is when something positive happens, and the other is when something negative happens... but they're BOTH stress and they both evoke the same heightening of emotions.
THe one thing I learned from my mother is that I can have opinsions separate from my peers, husband, family and friends and it's okay. I don't have to accept everything they say or believe as "gospel", I am entitled to my set of beliefs whatever they are, and you are entitled to yours.
Mine aren't right and yours aren't wrong. They're not right for me, but for you, they're perfect. "Well, that doesn't fit with the black and white theme" you're thinking. True, it doesn't. And it won't. I decided a long time ago to accept and care about the person and what we have in common and appreciate the differences. I don't pass judgments on what other people do and don't believe except where they apply directly to me. Yes, it's a very isolationist type of thinking... if it doesn't affect me, I don't care. I care, quite a bit, but I choose my battles.
I wouldn't approach someone who thinks murder is a perfectly acceptable form of population control to try and talk him around to my way of thinking. I care and I hope that person will have an epiphany and change their way of thinking. Yes, it's a passive way of interacting, but I can't change the world by myself.
In closing, this is a part of who I am and I've explained why. I'm not asking for mass approval nor should my approval matter to you. We can still be close and we can still be friends and family (that's another topic I'll tackle at some point), we just believe different things.
It's not possible to have everyone's approval 100% of the time. As my father once said to the man who said he and his wife NEVER disagree "well, then one of you is lying or one of you doesn't admit it".
I admit to having differences and disagreements, it's not the end of a relationship or a friendship or anything, it just means were different. That doesn't make me mad or upset or anything, it just means what it means.
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