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Last Five Entries
Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2003-10-02 - 10:08 a.m.
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I'm tired... I didn't sleep much last night. I had too much on my mind... namely the appointment I have this afternoon. This is my yearly I-have-an-appointment-and-I'm-nervous entry.
I remember that day like it was only last week. I hadn't had my yearly obgyn exam for about five years and I thought it would be a good idea to get it done. I went through the appointment and had all of the tests one normally has..... I *thought* all was well, until I got a call that they found some *abnormal cells" and I needed to come back for a retest. At that point, no one had used the word "cancer". I did go back, of course, and then about two weeks later, I got another call asking me to come in to talk to the doctor. I was divorced at the time, and my mother was going through her own person storm, so I had a friend come with me). It was during theis conversation that she casually dropped "cancer" into the conversation. I was stunned. She seemed rather stunned that I would have such a reaction. I swear I heard everything she said, but nothing sunk in other than "cancer" and "cervical".
When the meeting was over, we went back to the parking lot. I sat there on the steps down to our car and just took it all in. No tears, just stunned silence... then the analytical side of my brain kicked in. I had to figure out how to manage all of this and keep my sanity. I decided that I would only tell a few people.. those who I thought could handle it. My mother, at the time, wasn't one of those people. I told my sister (who my mother lived with) in case something happened during my surgery, i didn't want them to not know. I told my almost ex-husband at the time, (we were separated and on the way to divorce), via email and I got back a drunken response that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life "Wow... So, I guess I was your one chance at having kids and you blew that one." I sent him a reply with one word "assh--e".
I went through the surgery and then had to wait over the Christmas holiday for the biopsy results. That was hard...I felt alone, and scared out of my mind. I wasn't out of the woods yet... I ended up having one more surgery about six months later... and most of you know that story....
Doctor's appointments like the one I have today, bring back those memories, those fears, those apprehensions, especially the fears....I basically hold my breath from the time the test is done until the results are in. I'll call and get the results (I'm too impatient to wait for them to send me a letter in a few weeks).
I have one-third of my cervix left, and thankfully I never had to have radiation or chemotherapy. It was caught very early. Other than worry and two surgeries, it was really a minor scare, but that doesn't make it any easier. Add to that, the fact that if it does come back, there's very little left to take without removing ALL of my female plumbing. I'm anal about making sure people I care about has their yearly exams. I have a friend, that I care about, but she's 30 and has never had an exam. Her reasoning is, if she does have it, she doesn't want to know about it... and since she hasn't had an issue that she knows about, she's *probably* okay. All I can say is... Yeah, that's what I thought, too...
So.. if you're not doing anything at 3:30 this afternoon, do me a favor and keep me in your thoughts.
Today is also my first cab ride... yes, I've led a sheltered life, what's your point?
Please don't forget to answer my survey... it's research for a small business idea... all comments appreciated, no reasonable offer refused!!! It won't take five minutes, I PROMISE!
