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Last Five Entries
Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2002-09-23 - 11:09 a.m.
Hows and Whys
Today I wait, like I have since Friday. My sister called me at 8AM yesterday to tell me is is now breathing with the assistance of oxygen under pressure and they have signed a DNR order. They are making her comfortable and waiting til she "goes". I've got a bag packed and I'm ready to jump and run when the call comes.
I have several questions about all of this...the first one... we can end the suffering of a beloved pet when their quality of life is at it's lowest part, why can't we help our own kind depart this life when it's obvious they are going slowly and in a terrible way?
The second one... am I the only person that thinks waiting for "the call" is a very macabre and just plain horrible thing?
The third one... This woman is my Aunt, my mother's sister. I never really had much of a relationship with her, partly the huge age difference (like close to 50 years, I was almost thirty and she'd call and ask if my Mommy was home); and I just don't know what to say. There is no common thread. I can't sit and talk about old times about my mother. Does she know she's dying? If I called her to say goodbye, what would I say? The words aren't there. I don't know what to say, or how to say it. My heart is rather empty, but yet I sit here in tears (at work, no less); it's all so confusing.
I've spent this weekend trying to do anything I could think of but sit here and wait to hear. I took a pair of pruning shears and cut weeds, I cleaned off the front porch (moving boxes and throwing out a lot of stuff); then I managed to mow the lawn, which is something I don't usually do, complete with mowing most of the rock driveway (lemme tell you, try moving a lawn mower with positive traction over dips and mountains of rocks... that's one hell of a work out.
I even bought some reese's peanut butter cups, but it didn't help, it just made my blood sugar funky so in short, it just made things worse.
My life is changing in small ways, but they're catching up with me, I'm feeling overwhelmed with it all, and I'm to the point that I want to go sit in a corner with a blanket over myself and let the world just kinda pass me by. I don't have a clue how I'm going to go to a funeral and not fall apart when I can't sit here in front of a computer, think about what's going on and look at the tears dotting my shirt.
I need more strength than I have. And Alan can't be there. I don't know how to do this.
Please don't forget to answer my survey... it's research for a small business idea... all comments appreciated, no reasonable offer refused!!! It won't take five minutes, I PROMISE!
