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Veteran's Day and an Etiquette Question
2002-02-26 - 8:54 a.m.
My Birthday - The irony of it all
Today is my birthday. At 7:34 AM on February 26th 1966 I was born, according to my mother a few years ago, I was a pain in the butt then, and not much has changed since then.
I'm 36 today. I had always figured that things would be different when I was 36 then they really are. The plan I mapped out for myself in my early 20s certainly didn't work out the way I thought it would.
By now, I figured I'd be married for about 12 years or so and have two kids. I always thought that if I didn't have kids of my own, I'd adopt. I once had a silly notion that I'd be financially independent by 25 and that if I didn't have a kid by 25, I'd adopt one or two. I really don't spend a lot of time thinking about children unless it's my birthday (or my Love's) and I realize that I'm getting older and time is passing me by.
Well, none of those has really come to fruition. Yep, I've got a wonderful love interest. He is all I could ever want in a husband.
As for the kids part, well, we found out that it's not possible for me to have kids. Yep, I know, this is the end of my love's family tree. That's how life is sometimes. There's nothing I can do about it, and feeling guilty because I can't have kids isn't going to make that fact any easier. He and I talked a LOT about this when we were dating and engaged. I wanted to be sure he knew what he was getting himself into. He still says it's not an issue for him, and he's content with there being no kids in our life, but I'm not so sure I'm content with it all the time.
I look at our life and I wonder how in the world a child would fit into a weekend like we just had. You cope, I guess, and you make it work.
We've talked briefly about adoption and that's not a viable choice either. I've been treated for depression off and on for quite a few years, and add to that we're not completely financially perfect and that pretty much nixes our chance at adoption.
I have a friend who's trying to get pregnant and has put a lot of stress about it onto herself. I feel as if she thinks there's this unwritten rule thatif she can't get pregnant, she's failed at something important. I wish I could find a way to tell her that's not true. It's not about failure, and the more stress you put on yourself about it, the less likelihood there is you'll get what you want.
There is more to life than continuing the family lineage, we're not brood mares, we're people. Life will go on regardless of whether either of us is pregnant.
Even though I see our friends starting families of their own and the babies are all just adorable, I still wonder what it would have been like for us to be parents.
Thanks to cervical cancer and some medication my mother took for nausea when she was pregnant with me (we're not 100% sure which is the actual culprit), we can't have kids.
Up until we were told I can't have kids, it never occurred to me I'd not have kids. I always imagined myself with one or two, even if it was as a single mother. As a single mom I figured I'd do the career thing and make it work.
Here I am without a career, or kids, and I feel dependent on my husband for quite a lot. This isn't a position that I truly like.
The one thing I thought I could live without (a loving husband) I have; and the one thing I thought I would have, I have to live without. How's that for irony.
30 days left.
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